dear driver

dear navy blue ford minivan:

it is clear that you lack the skills to properly back into a parking space, as evidenced by the two foot protrusion into the driving area of the parking garage -- not only today, but yesterday as well.

when you're getting outparked by the hepatitis van, you know it's time to switch to public transportation.

your friend,
the foci

dear impala

dear impala,
you have got to be out of your ever-loving mind.

go to hell.

not your friend,
the foci

dear aura

dear driver,
congratulations on purchasing a saturn aura! the accolades for this vehicle have been unending -- a panel of journalists even picked it as the north american car of the year! -- so kudos to you for doing your research and shopping so smartly. you are no doubt an intelligent person, and your car choice certainly reflects that. i'm sure, during your exhaustive comparison shopping, you noticed that car and driver magazine classifies the aura as a "mid-size sedan." MID-SIZE. SEDAN. a person of your intelligence would surely realize that this classification precludes the saturn aura from qualifiying as a COMPACT CAR -- thus rendering the COMPACT ONLY parking spots off limits. perhaps you let someone else drive the aura to work today? perhaps your screening process, which you so diligently applied to your car selection, should extend to members of the family, neighbors, friends -- to make sure they can read and comprehend words? just a suggestion.

all the best,
the foci

p.s.
dear lexus,
you officially suck.

-f.

dear lexus

dear driver,

your lexus is not a compact car. if it was a compact car, once parked, three feet of trunk space would not be interrupting the flow of traffic in the parking garage. you would know this if you took a look at your parked vehicle before heading off to work. you would also realize that backing into said COMPACT ONLY parking spot is obnoxious because, inevitably, your tire[s] will stray from within the yellow confines of the spot and obscure an even greater portion of the driveable space. please realize you are incurring the hatred of everyone who drives past your car.

not so fondly,
the foci

dear station wagon

dear driver:

i regret to inform you that your station wagon is not, nor has it ever been, nor will it ever be, a compact car. so please stop parking your rust-addled, gargantuan automobile in the COMPACT ONLY spot so that those of us with actual compact cars can (a) park there and (b) stop making ridiculous maneuvers when turning the corner to avoid hitting your protruding bumper.

sincerely,
the foci