ipod of DOOM

i'm fairly certain my ipod has it in for me.

it seems as if everytime i put it on the 'shuffle' setting it comes up with a playlist so emotionally masochistic that i find myself (a) crying, (b) immediately needing a drink, or (c) becoming incredibly confused as to how these songs appeared on my ipod to begin with. how does it know when i'm feeling vulnerable to the point of binge-level m&m consumption? how does it know that 'california' by joni mitchell will always, always make me wistful for a place that i've never even visited? some of the combinations cause such emotional pain, it's as if the ipod has interviewed all my former boyfriends to compile a list of ways to torment me. musical masochism? is that an actual affliction? doubtful. still, anything by phil collins causes physical pain and i'm almost certain it's not solely the cheesy lyrics.

does the ipod have musical intuition? it might. maybe it knows when i need something upbeat, something contemplative...something completely ridiculous. it's very indulgent, the ipod. it doesn't feel the need to change my mood; it merely enhances it. it's not psychiatric advice; it's peer pressure.

(also, and completely separate: i'm convinced that elton john is ipod-stalking me. 'tiny dancer.' everytime i turn it on. how the hell does that happen? and what the hell is a 'pirate smile' anyway?)