sole searching

that...is a lame title.



today i'm wearing the shoes that i wore on my first 'date' with the non-date.

i love, love, love these shoes [see above] for many reasons [the initial one being that i bought them for $14 at the now-defunct cohoes in pittsford. i miss you cohoes...] this was a favorite of olivia's when she requested i wear 'fancy shoes'. i've worn them a lot over the past three or so years. they look ridiculously uncomfortable, but they've molded so much to the shape of my foot that they don't hurt at all. they are, however, disgusting. there's a hole in the toe of the sole of the left shoe, which means no wearing them in the rain. the heel is completely worn away on both shoes. they're scraped. they're battered. they've acquired...not the most pleasant of odors. but i love them.

a few months ago i bought a similar pair at dsw, thinking i could finally throw these out [when i have a favorite pair of shoes that cannot go on in circulation i always look for a replacement pair. i'm very weird.] so, i bought the new pair, wore them a few times. liked them. attempted to put the old pair in the salvation army bag and...couldn't. i look at them and i think of that first date. trying to get ready to go out with this boy for the first time [in the middle of january, no less. although, i remember it being relatively mild.] being unsure if it was actually a date [it was, in retrospect; technically it kicked off our non-relationship.] trying to put together that perfect outfit. being on the phone with my friend karen up to the minute that he pulled into the driveway to pick me up. going first to applebees, not wanting to wait two hours to eat, then heading over to this random family diner for dinner. talking over hamburgers and french fries and coffee. him giving me this classic look of, 'are you crazy?' when i asked why he was paying the bill. going back to my house and watching this horrible movie [the 'actual' reason why we'd decided to hang out.] having tea. then watching the rest of this movie that was on television. him leaving. me thinking, 'i have no idea if that was a date or not, but that boy is pretty darn cute.'

every time i look at these shoes i think about how far we've come from that first date. how we navigated through eight months of ever-growing attachment and denial, and then through another year of frustrations and realizations, progression and setbacks. we're constantly learning, which gives me a lot of hope for the future.

i don't think i'll be getting rid of this pair for a very long time.