oscarvaganza.

sadness.
the oscars have come and gone another year.
some initial thoughts, post-show:

• ryan gosling should sit in the front row of every awards show, regardless of whether he's nominated or involved in any way (i.e. the espys, nobel peace prize, etc.) he is that fantastic.
• it's fitting that three highest profiled winners gave three of the classiest speeches (helen, forest, martin); granted, they've had plenty of time to rehearse.
• great dresses: penelope, helen, kate, reese, jada, rachel.
• not-so-great dresses: kirsten, anne, beyonce.
• six reasons to watch the oscars: george, ken, gael, ryan, marky mark and clive.
• one more: no brad pitt.
• dear oscar show producer: the new layout of awards? not conducive to the attention span. you need to hook in the viewers who aren't sure they want to be watching in the first place. categories like 'art direction' are not the way to do that (no offense to the art direction nominees -- but i realize i am in the minority in terms of viewers who care.) start with a bang (always have george clooney open the show or ensure that whoever wins the first award will do/say something incredibly outrageous/thought-provoking.) we like action. even if it revolves around hundreds of people who sit for 4 hours.
• ryan seacrest: he. is. pointless.
• things that have worn out their welcome: MONTAGES, kirsten's bangs, barbie hair.
• things that are funny: meryl streep's glare, the tuneful ode to comedy, jennifer hudson's bolero jacket, interviewers who attempt to ask serious questions on the red carpet (lisa ling, i am talking to you. we know you're smart. this is not the forum in which to prove it.)

caffeination, under god.

i took a quick inventory of items that are currently sitting on or around my desk, and the results are mildly puzzling...in that i'm not certain how many of said items came to rest in my possession. i've decided to give up coffee/caffeine for lent, so this in fact may be a hallucination, due to the heavy withdrawal symptoms i'm experiencing. seriously. no caffeine makes you feel like crap. and look like crap, as i've noticed during my infrequent pausings at a mirror.

my teeth itch. and i find myself squinting alot, probably because i'm on the verge of exhaustion-induced collapse.

i thought long and hard about what to abstain from for lent, and coffee seemed like a smart choice: it's definitely something i would miss, and would have to consciously think about avoiding. i don't think i quite realized the depths of my dependence until wednesday, when i experienced excrutiating headaches and tremors (no kidding. it was like 'house', without the interns.) my mom suggested gradually cutting out the caffeine; clearly i did not take that advice to heart, and have been paying for it ever since. also, i think god might be smiting me for making such an assinine decision. he generally seems to reward intelligence, and i'm pretty far removed from that line of thinking at the moment.

have had 4 cups of tea today. my body is pissed.

anyway. back to the random accrual of items on my desk:

• one package of organic creamy butternut squash soup. this is not mine. it is nadia's, who likes to taunt me with organic foods and 'live cultures' and fruits that have been dried. terror.
• a poorly constructed, child-sized wizard's hat. it is posited jauntily on my monitor, a merlinian air about it.
• the name tag of an attractive guy that attended one of our company events.
• 2 giant stalks of bamboo that threaten to impede my view of the computer monitor. i like them. it's like working in the jungle.
• half eaten cinnamon chip scone. i tried to give it away but no one wanted it. before it was half eaten, obviously.
• august 2005 issue of VOGUE. i think someone was cleaning and thought it was mine. madonna is on the cover and her skirt looks like the wonder bread package.
• apple core. because i'm too lazy to walk 30 feet to the garbage can.
• 4 boxes of blank name badges. they're incredibly old and dusty and have lost most of their adhesive backing (i know this because i put one on yesterday when a co-worker referred to me by the wrong name.) they too should be dumped along with the apple core.
• a mug containing an obscene amount of lollipops. they are my coffee patch. they may also be the reason for the teeth-itching.

lunch.

hermitine's day

the fifth of my twelve new year's resolutions was to go on a date before the beginning of february. this (kind of) happened, but the process was so awkward and annoying that i've decided new year's resolution #13 shall be to enter into hermitude. in honor of resolution #13, the following mini-list details why i should not date. at least for now.

• i went on what i thought was a date, with someone who did not think we were on a date. possibly twice.
• the date prior to that was with a guy who kept referring to me as 'dude' - clearly an expectation i would never be able to meet.
• i recently received an email from an ex-boyfriend, whom i have not seen/spoken to in 5 years, detailing his seemingly perfect life with more exclamation points than usweekly. it makes me sad to think that i've dated someone with such poor attention to punctuation. my taste is questionable at best.
• i did something in the not-so-distant past that i cannot mention for discretionary reasons. but, suffice it to say, my dating privileges should be revoked until further notice.
• i used to go to this nearby cafe nearly everyday for lunch. a barista asked for my number at one point. he called. i never called him back. i saw him a few weeks after that. i told him that i had been extraordinarily busy (truth) and that he should call again. he did. i never called him back (i = asshole.) i had to stop going to that cafe for fear of seeing him. cut to 5 months after that: i stopped into a random deli one afternoon for lunch. guess who was working there. at that point, my dating kharma gave me a hearty bitch slap. i'm still recovering.
• i once broke up with someone in a greeting card. accidentally.
• and i once dated someone for 2 1/2 years (primarily) out of boredom. tragic.

so. happy valentine's day, hermits one and all.

ipod of DOOM

i'm fairly certain my ipod has it in for me.

it seems as if everytime i put it on the 'shuffle' setting it comes up with a playlist so emotionally masochistic that i find myself (a) crying, (b) immediately needing a drink, or (c) becoming incredibly confused as to how these songs appeared on my ipod to begin with. how does it know when i'm feeling vulnerable to the point of binge-level m&m consumption? how does it know that 'california' by joni mitchell will always, always make me wistful for a place that i've never even visited? some of the combinations cause such emotional pain, it's as if the ipod has interviewed all my former boyfriends to compile a list of ways to torment me. musical masochism? is that an actual affliction? doubtful. still, anything by phil collins causes physical pain and i'm almost certain it's not solely the cheesy lyrics.

does the ipod have musical intuition? it might. maybe it knows when i need something upbeat, something contemplative...something completely ridiculous. it's very indulgent, the ipod. it doesn't feel the need to change my mood; it merely enhances it. it's not psychiatric advice; it's peer pressure.

(also, and completely separate: i'm convinced that elton john is ipod-stalking me. 'tiny dancer.' everytime i turn it on. how the hell does that happen? and what the hell is a 'pirate smile' anyway?)