dear oscar:

i am an award show fiend. specifically: you. oscar sunday has long been my favorite evening of the year. but not too long ago (2000) we began a feud that, i'm sad to say, has increased in intensity throughout the years. you may remember that in 2000 russell crowe won for best actor...for gladiator. he won you for grunting and fighting computer animated tigers. for grunting and fighting the air. but as much as i don't care for crowe, my shock/anger/nausea/incredulity couldn't even be aimed at him. someone told him to fight that 'tiger'; he was just doing his job. and someone told him to fight that 'tiger' because they knew it'd be bait. bait for the golden boy. thus my disdain went higher. much higher. it went to you, oscar. it pained me to see our long-standing romance turn sour, but that's exactly what happened. in the years to come i would have to sit through shows that rewarded halle berry. then charlize theron. renee zellweger. i can feel phyiscal pain having to type that out. sadness. despair. yes, you had some redeeming moments (clooney. hoffman. cooper. harden.) but -- nothing for scorsese? crash as 'best picture'? how was this possible? why was this happening to us? for as long as i could remember, i would pour through the world almanac, drinking in the list of winners past...reveling at how many times meryl and kate won, or what year 'it happened one night' took the top four honors. but all that was a distant memory now. i loathed your history, oscar. it was forever tainted.

however.

i am a very forgiving person.

so i shall mini-list the top 6 things you, oscar, must do to regain my love and affection:

1. nominate ryan gosling for half nelson. this is what we refer to as a 'long shot', but if you comes through for me here, i'd be willing to consider all debts paid.
2. a win for helen mirren. closest thing to a 'lock', but i need to see it in writing. ask annette. she knows. am pretty sure she's not speaking to you either.
3. babel cannot win for 'best picture'. when brokeback mountain lost last year i considered disowning you. a win for babel would send me into an oscar-free, hermit-esque existence. i don't care if the globes are doing it...being your own person!
4. matt damon must appear someplace prominent in the telecast. mostly because he's pretty. also because he almost always looks like he just heard a really filthy joke. love that.
5. nominate children of men for 'best picture' and/or clive owen for 'best actor'. it's funny/heartbreaking/depressing/hopeful/ridiculously realistic. the amount of brilliance encompassed by that film is nearly overwhelming. it's a big, fat anarchaic diamond.
6. nononononononobradpittnonononononononononononononono. no.

that's it, oscar. i'm a simple girl. i hope you're listening.